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Abducted- Prologue

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Bunnypal
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« on: April 16, 2008, 09:16:46 pm »

First off this is just a short story that i just made up. Not my best nor my favorite, just wanted to put something up here. Hope you like it and if you do I may start posting chapters and make a book with it, online of course. If you have any suggestions for this story please post them or pm me with them. Thanks!

Abducted-Prologue

It was a dreary night for young Sam. He had stayed up all night working on a school assignment which was of course due the next day. Sam was on the way up to his room to gladly slip into his bed and drift away in a deep sleep. On the way up he encountered his older sister, Amy. As they passed each other they exchanged insults and threats, it wasn't that Sam hated her it was just...the way things worked for them. Once he was up in his room and prepared for the next day he silently slip into bed and fell instantly into a sleep filled with dreams; but which were more like nightmares. His nightmare was oddly realistic and this is how it went...

He was in his bed looking up the ceiling because he had awoken because of loud noises and a muffled scream. Lying awake he considered what it was he came up with three options: It was just the wind, someone in the home was watching a horror movie, and lastly someone was in the house. He decided to get up and check around to see if there was anything suspicious going on. As leaving his room he saw a dim light coming from his sisters room, that was odd he sister normally turned in early, but perhaps she was doing homework. He walked to the door and try to listen to any noises going on inside, what he heard was muffled footsteps on the carpeted floor. Now overwhelmed with curiosity he decided to go inside. He reached for the door knob and turned. The door swung open but blinded by the light he didn't see anything. After a few seconds his eyes adjusted.

Thatís when he woke up.

It was now morning and his mother was calling him for breakfast, hungry he went downstairs. He saw his Mom had already laid out four plates. One for him, his mother, father, and Amy. Everyone was there except Amy. Remembering his dream from the night before he asked his mother "Where's Amy?" his mother looked at him surprised by the concern in his voice. "I guess she is still asleep, poor thing was up late last night," that struck something inside of Sam. Finishing off his plate he replied "Okay, well I'm going to school, need to check something at the library." His mother just smiled while he walked out the door. Walking to school he considered what was going on. He had a strange dream last night that was quite realistic which involved his sister, his sister had not been present for breakfast, and his mother had proven that Amy had her light on late at night. Maybe itís nothing harmless he thought. He decided not to think about it again, he had more important things to do than be a worry-some, after all he had to present his project to the class today.

After school was over he walked home alone. He was trying to remember if he forgot anything on his presentation. His best friend caught up with him and they started to talk about different random things. Finally he got home and said goodbye to his friend and ran inside. His parents hadn't returned home from work yet meaning the house was just his and Amy's. He went upstairs to his room and turned on his computer, while waiting for it to boot up he went downstairs to get a snack. While walking down the hall he noted something, his sisters door was still closed with the dim light coming through the crack under the door. Strange. He called to his sister wondering if she was there, but alas he received no reply. He just brushed it off and got his snack. Upon returning to his room his computer was fully booted and functional. He noticed that there was a pop-up icon of a NEW EMAIL! He clicked on it and opened the email, and to his amazement it was a ransom demand. These were there exact words:

"YOUR SISTER, AMY HAS BEEN TAKEN FOR RANSOM. WHY? YOU MIGHT ASK IS THAT WE KNOW YOUR FATHER IS OF HIGH POLITICAL STANDINGS AND THE REASON YOU RECIEVEED THIS IS THAT ACCORDING TO HER YOU ARE THE CLOSEST FAMILY MEMBER TO HER. AS FOR THE RANSOM WE ASK THAT IN RETURN FOR HER SAFETY YOU PROVIDE US WITH 1,000,000 DOLLARS. YOU WILL HAVE TWO WEEKS TO COME UP WITH THIS MONEY IN YOUR OWN WAY. WE MUST WARN YOU THOUGH IF YOU TRY ANTHING SUCH AS GETTING THE POLICE INVOLVED, SHE WILL BE KILLED. WE ARE NOT PLAYING GAMES. YOU WILL BE CONTACTED AGIAN IN 13 DAYS WITH THE LOCATION OF OUR TRADE-OFF. WE REPEAT YOUR SISTERS LIFE DEPENDS ON YOU GIVING US 1,000,000 DOLLARS."

He couldn't believe it! His dream was real! Than the truth hit home.

His sister had been abducted. Her life depended on him.
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Jinmei
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« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2008, 01:00:21 pm »

Its pretty good. It has a deal of grammar errors here and there. But other than that, the whole thing is well constructed and kinda intriguing. ^-^
« Last Edit: April 20, 2008, 01:10:41 pm by Jinmei » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2008, 07:01:51 pm »

Thanks! I am horrible at grammar! Yet I love to read, which thanks to that passion, I am now(according to teachers, test results, and the occasional friend) quite advanced in reading (No trying to Brag.) So that has inspired me to pick-up writing...So yeah.
Quick questions:

Should I continue this story? Or give up on it?

Any title suggestions? (the title gives away some stuff, an is not quite originial.)


So yup!
Glad to see SOMEONE read it!  Grin Mini-Smile

Thanks...
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Jinmei
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« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2008, 09:30:46 pm »

Continuing it depends on you. The whole plot ish OK. But it seems too 'out there' for me. Get brain-storming on you're plots; make it more elaborate (but no SO elaborate that you confuse readers). Put some sort of internal struggle into the main character. Like, he and this sister of his' really hate each other, and he wonders whether he really wants to save her. And make a reason as to why those people captured her. Besides, they wouldn't risk themselves being revealed just to kidnap some ordinary girl.

Believe me, I know. *paranoid look* o-o
« Last Edit: April 21, 2008, 09:40:51 pm by Jinmei » Report Spam   Logged

Bunnypal
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« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2008, 04:17:50 pm »

Thanks for your input. I will probally go back and rewritebthe prologue...with your ideas. Thanks for the help.
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« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2008, 06:18:40 pm »

**Reads The Prologue**
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Bunnypal
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« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2008, 07:45:18 pm »

**Reads The Prologue**

*Don't because I'm rewriting it*
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Myrtle
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« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2008, 02:45:06 am »

Too bad, I already read it. My compliments to the writer. It's a very nice story, very intriguing ad what Jin said. If it had a continuation. I will surely read it. Keep it up. It's getting really interesting.  Smiley
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Bunnypal
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« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2008, 06:12:38 pm »

Too bad, I already read it. My compliments to the writer. It's a very nice story, very intriguing ad what Jin said. If it had a continuation. I will surely read it. Keep it up. It's getting really interesting.  Smiley

OOc (I know what it means now! To bad I don't have a character); Thanks Myrtle. Or may I call you Myrt? Anyway, yes thanks I will[/I] continue the story but...I am going to rewrite the prolouge and see which one you think is better...than carry it on from there.
 Grin I love these smilies!
« Last Edit: April 23, 2008, 06:14:16 pm by Bunnypal » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2008, 02:27:15 am »

It has some grammar and punctuation errors but your prologue is pretty good. Can't wait for the continuation!!
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Credits to Myrtle for the Siggie

To whom it may concern:
If nobody posts any RP's in this forum anymore. I have to quit. So good bye everyone. If somebody roleplays before June 22, I won't have to delete my account but if nobody roleplays in this roleplay forum anymore, Buh-bye!
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